Book Entry 192: 1989 Innocence and Truth

Words express thoughts and feelings.  Sentences are made of words.  Sometimes the words we say or hear are not the feeling intended.  This is a little story of a few words that could have been hurtful but were recognized as an expression of deep joy and love. 

Charlie always came home from school excited and full of questions.  One particular day the teacher had been going over the concept of family.  He needed me to help answer several questions on his paper for the next day.  What makes a family, who is in your family, how many are in your family, etc. 

          I helped Charlie make a list of his grandparents, uncles, aunts, me, Larry, Heidi, Robin, Adam, and Justin.  When he asked if we were going to have more babies because some of the other kids were getting more babies in their families, I answered no and took the opportunity to tell him just a little bit about three other babies who were born into our family and not been able to stay.

His eyes got wider and wider.  He counted on his fingers and was excited to say, “If those three had lived and we all lived, we’d have 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 kids mom, that would be great!”  I immediately explained to him had the three little girls who were born into our family been able to stay with us our whole family would probably be very different.  I explained we probably wouldn’t have Heidi because she came right after our Joyce and Jayne.  We might still have Robin.  We would have Cari.  I told him our family would probably have ended up Joyce, Jayne, Robin, Cari, Adam, daddy and me.

His eyes got bigger and bigger.  I could see his face filling with a question and when he couldn’t hold it inside any longer he blurted out, “And Justie and me, right mommy?”  I held him close and said, “Probably not.”  I explained as simply as I could that God had worked it out for us to have three babies that couldn’t stay in our family.  I told him God had put enough love in our hearts that we kept trying to have more children until we finally felt we had completed our family.  I told him if we’d had Joyce, Jayne, Robin, Cari, and Adam we probably would have stopped.  We would probably never have considered adoption.  We would probably never have known him or Justin. 

Charlies mouth dropped open.  His eyes turn red and a single little tear formed and gently ran down his cheek.   “You mean you wouldn’t be my mommy, and daddy wouldn’t be my daddy and I wouldn’t live here in my room?”  “That’s right,” I answered, “but God built our family.  He put it together with one baby, then another, and another until He got it just the way He wanted it.  He made our family just right, don’t you think so?”

Charlie was sitting on my lap, his face was about ten inches from mine.  He took my face in his little hands and looked right into my eyes.  Out of his mouth came the purest words of love I’d ever heard before or since.  He cocked his head to one side and with the biggest smile he could muster happily said, “Oh mommy, I’m so glad they died.” 

His words stung my heart but the love he was trying to tell me he felt quickly overcame the sting.  We should all be so blunt, so honest, and so full of love.